My art of facing my fears.
I’ve been through numerous situations in my early life that have brought on a considerate amount of fear. It used to make me numb, it used to make me cower away, and most of all, it used to make me give up.
Overcoming my greatest fear has opened myself to all the courage that was stored within. My greatest fear was myself.
There was a time in my life that I felt like I had to accomplish everything and be the best at it. Sooner or later, a little unknown emotion called Anxiety came into the picture and it started to slow me down. I couldn’t have that, so I pushed myself harder. One thing leads to another and BOOM, life-changing panic attack.
What’s the big deal about a panic attack anyway? You breathe through it and eventually, it passes. Not for me. A panic attack meant weakness, it meant I wasn’t good enough to stay strong. As a result of that, my tall, thick walls built from ego, selfishness and overdetermination were shattered in pieces. What was left? A scared little girl that had nothing to hide behind. She was raw, vulnerable, and had no idea who she was anymore. Support was mandatory, or she would collapse.
I was so angry at myself for feeling so weak, I had no courage or energy to even try to help myself. This was life for around three years. Walking 10 seconds to the corner of my street was a huge challenge. One day, something changed. A spark of ambition hit my heart, something I haven’t felt in forever. It wasn’t much but just enough to make myself realize that I’m better than all this.
So I started doing research. I learned about different techniques to soothe anxiety: yoga, meditation, exercise etc. I did everything quite regularly, but it still wasn’t enough. It wasn’t solving the problem. At that moment I realized that I had to be my own solution.
I knew I had to dive deep into my thoughts and figure out the root of my problems. I was terrified to dive into the very thoughts that have kept me trapped in this zombie-like state for so long. But I knew I had to do it, so I did.
I realized I had a lot of resentment lying deep within me, a lot of self-doubts, and absolutely no courage. The person that had been masquerading as me right before all of this happened, you know, the determined superhero? Was fake.
That person had no flaws. You can’t live life without any flaws, then how will you grow? If you don’t have flaws, then you’re lying to yourself. Just like I was.
Acceptance is was quickly brought me out of my zombie-like state. I accepted my resentment, my self-doubt, and my lack of courage. I started to love myself for who I was and knew what I had to change to make myself a true, stronger person. I dealt with all those things in their own way and sooner rather than later, I became this ecstatically social, courageous, doubtless person that held no bad feelings, and it was all real! I didn’t even f*n know that was in me this entire time!
I hope this [real] story didn’t leave you sad for too long. My point was to say that no matter what you fear, know that you have the tools within yourself to overcome them. It will most likely be difficult to deal with, but I’ve learned that past every difficult situation is an overwhelming feeling of peace.
Writing this tonight was actually to remind me of my own accomplishments. It’s good to remind yourself what you’ve been through, to know what you can accomplish. The key to success always resonates within yourself.
Go ahead, be a warrior.